This blog post has been in my drafts for over two months.
Written in the beginning of May...
My son's baseball coach died in a motorcycle accident on May 6th. After a few hours I found myself getting mad at him. We talked a lot and he never told me he rode a motorcycle. If I had known, I would have given him the talk. My uncle died in a motorcycle accident and after that our family sold their bikes and never got on one again. However, many very close friends or loved ones of people we know continue to die on motorcycles. Maybe they hit a curb, a pothole, went around a corner too fast. Minor things in a car, but on a motorcycle, deadly. I want Coach Stark to come back so I can tell him not to ride. He is too important to us and his family. He would listen. He loved his team so much. I feel like baseball is tainted now, like no coach can measure up. Someone will come along with his spirit and make me feel lighter, but until then...it is all so heavy. He was truly the perfect coach. He coached exactly the way I thought he should. He cannot be replaced. I keep hoping this isn't real, but I know it is. I am so fortunate not to have had to deal with death much in my life. I look to others who have suffered for the right words and what to tell myself. They're here and then they're not here. Everything that we were supposed to do with him isn't going to happen. He isn't going to coach these boys in their world series or cooperstown or see who they become.
To Coach: I keep seeing your face getting out of your car or truck with the bucket of baseballs, down the third base line saying "do your job son," and attempting to hit pop flies straight up to Santi. We have never once had a practice without you there. Tonight is it.
No matter how much I wish for him back, he's not coming back. I think maybe once you have experienced having close people die you get more and more okay with dying yourself, not scared, just ready. Okay with moving on to where your friends and family are. To be together again. It's like the seasons. I am always ready for the next one when it comes but I also love each one in its time. So it is with the seasons of life. We are ready to see those who left before us again. To hang out. Some people are taken early and that's shitty...
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It was a rough month or so after Coach Stark died until I started to feel okay. Just in time for summer...
Summer is supposed to be relaxing but it's actually super busy. I am ready for the homeschool season again!!! So much driving the kids around and all we do is math. The first half of July is also crazy and then at least dance competitions will be over. It will still be a ton of driving around though. At some point, I need to find the time to plan our homeschool year. I am trying to make Eaden almost completely independent. She will definitely use Nicole the Math Lady (Saxon) and Khan Academy. I am also thinking about WriteShop and Next Level Homeschool but not 100% sold yet. Geography and Spanish she will definitely do on her own. Science is the only real question. She will study Biology just not sure with what. Oak Meadow is too expensive. Maybe Khan Academy, moocs, and other various resources. Or I have been looking at REAL Science Odyssey...I am also thinking about Ancient History through Pandia Press as well. I would probably do those two as a family and Eaden would study more in depth.
Here is what I was writing before Coach died...
Happiness for myself and my family is my life goal. Moderation in everything is my mid range goal. I am truly happy when I exercise and then drink/read. It's the perfect balance. Garden and drink/Pinterest. Hike and chill...with a drink. I am lucky as hell! And so grateful!! Life is good!
Happiness = Being in beautiful natural spaces. Breathing clean air. Having gorgeous hikes nearby at all times. Less concrete.
It physically hurts to know that I am stuck here in Houston when I could be in Colorado in a day. It's so frustrating.
Very big problem - I don't make any money and my husband does not have the same goals as me. Well he does (happiness) but what makes me happy is not necessarily what makes him happy. Also, our kids have goals and talents and cost a shit ton of money.
So....still working on how to reach my goals. I am happy with what I have, of course, but mountains and clear cold rivers would be better :)
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